You walk through the roof entrance of the Spooglat Island Mall.

 

It is filled with aliens of many different species, but the most plentiful species is, of course, the amphibious Spooglatorians. Those bags are waterproof right?

You stand outside of Zales, holding a few bags above your head for all to see.

 

Next thing you know you're on the ground.

You just got punched in the face by a Spooglatorian security guard.

 

"I know your kind, you're just trying to pass these poorly made bags off on all the gullible mall patrons. Well guess what, NO SOLICITING!"

 

She picks you up by the collar and punts you directly into the Solicitor Chute.

You jump onto the first empty table you see. "Space Gucci Handbags for only 4000 Woolongs! You can't get deals like this in a store!"

 

Suddenly you're on the floor and thousands of volts of electricity are coursing through you.

 

"NO SOLICITING!" yells a Spooglatorian security guard as he retracts his taser.

 

He scoops your limp body up and tosses it down the Solicitor Chute.

"Hey fuck you dude. Security! We got a solicitor over here!"

 

Suddenly you're on the floor and thousands of volts of electricity are coursing through you.

 

"NO SOLICITING!" yells a Spooglatorian security guard as he retracts his taser.

 

He scoops your limp body up and tosses it down the Solicitor Chute.

Yeah let's just go ahead and say they are.

 

You walk further into the mall and come across a directory. Where do you think you'd be able to sell these shitty bags?

 

You walk into the food court, surrounded by hundreds of different cuisines from the dozens of planets in this system.

The room is packed full of customers, so there's plenty of potential for business. How will you pitch?

You go up to a table occupied by two Spooglatorians.

 

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey you. Hey. Hey you."

They can definitely hear you but don't look your way at all.

"Somebody's got a crush on us, Grompina!"

"I think so too Gworp!"

"If we buy 120 each will you go on a date with us?"

You jump over the balcony and land directly in the center of the fountain. The crowd's eyes are trained on you. What's your sales tactic?

"These bags will cure your illness! And bring the dead back to life! Buy them for only 4000 Woolong and all your problems will be fixed!"  A woman leaps from the crowd and swims up to you.

 

"Hi, my name is Gloorpine and I am very interested in these bags. My husband and I have been trying to have tadpoles, but every time he fertilizes my eggs they don't take. Will these bags finally let me become a mother?"

I can't lie to you, Gloorpine. I'm a liar and a cheat!

Yes, this bag will give you a family

You drape the bag sexily over your shoulder and laugh your flirtiest laugh.

 

"I just love these bags so much! They're fashionable AND practical! For only 4000 Woolong these are a steal!"

 

Everyone is dead silent.

 

"That's the ugliest fucking bag I've ever seen!" says one extremely fashionable Spooglatorian.

 

Spooglatorians are a very fashionable people, and if one of their fashion elders deems a look ugly, they will fight tooth and nail to destroy that fashion.

 

The angry mob chases you out onto the roof of the mall but you manage to jump in your ship before they grab you.

They still aren't looking at you.

They still aren't looking at you.

They spin around in their seats and look at you with their weird, wide, frog eyes.

 

"Hell yeah we want to buy some bags. We love handbags. LOVE them. How much?"

"Well fuck you then!"

Gloorpine punches you in the face.

 

You wake up on the roof of the mall, presumably brought there by mall security. Nobody in that mall will buy your bags after that embarrassing scene. You should take your chances with another planet.

You dip a handbag into the fountain and it immediately falls to pieces. Everybody notices. You look like a complete idiot. There's no way anybody on this planet will buy your shitty handbags now.

 

You head back up to the roof to board your ship.

"A special price! Is that because you think we're cute?"

"Hey fuck you dude. Security! We got a solicitor over here!"

 

Suddenly you're on the floor and thousands of volts of electricity are coursing through you.

 

"NO SOLICITING!" yells a Spooglatorian security guard as he retracts his taser.

 

He scoops your limp body up and tosses it down the Solicitor Chute.